Time to breathe!

Who knew that the day before Christmas Eve would actually be a time to relax? Well, okay, not relax, since I'm still working from home, doing laundry, cleaning house, need to head to the grocery, etc. etc. But now that the show is over, done with concerts at work, done with Christmas parties...I can actually breathe! Not quite sure if I'm looking forward to Christmas, but I know Maya is! You can't help but get excited when they're excited.

So, plans for after the holidays? Pottery painting with Maya, lunch with an old friend, sibling night out, Christmas Eve party. Those things I'm looking forward to. I also can't tell you what a relief it is knowing that I have time to do more things like this over the next several months by not doing a show.

Wonder if one of my new year's resolutions should be to start working out??? Well, maybe I won't get that carried away.

Exciting new projects!

Since I've made the decision to take a break from performing, I've decided I need a project or two. Anyone who knows me knows that I can't sit still!

I JUST finished and ordered Maya's 2008 photo book. Ever since her adoption in China, I have created a photo book (http://www.photoworks.com/) of each year. I was a tad behind on getting her 2008 book done, so now that that's done and ordered, I've started working on her 2009 book. I love to see how much she has grown over the years and she really enjoys looking through them and having me tell the stories associated with some of the photos.

Another project I decided to work on is a photo book of Tonggu County, Jiangxi Province, where she was born. A few years ago, a fellow adoptive mom put together a photo CD of shots that many other adoptive parents who travelled to Tonggu had taken, as well as some shots from online, from brochures, etc. Tonggu is an absolutely beautiful place, although I have never seen it in person. We were unable to travel there during our adoption trip. We hope to go back to China in about five years or so for a homeland tour. Until then, I thought it would be good for Maya for her to have a photo book of where she was from. I don't have a lot of details about the area, but what I do have I'll put together for her. I want to give this to her on her birthday in March, so I better get moving!

The diva takes a break

As the year is coming to an end, I've looked back on all that happened this past year, and am somewhat dismayed. Not only thinking about where the time went, but also about what I really accomplished this year. I'm doing well at work, so that isn't a concern. But what is a concern is the lack of time that we've been able to spend as a family.

I've performed in three shows this year. Now that Maya is older, it's a bit easier to do theatre. But when you add in my husband's busy schedule, we had VERY little time to spend together this year. Between both of us, it was one show after another. That's why I've decided to take a break from theatre through the Spring. My husband has a light schedule for the next six months, so I've decided we need to take advantage of that downtime.

While our lifestyle is perplexing to some, it really does work for us...most of the time. But I think there comes a time when you really need to just take a break from it all and rediscover all the things that make you a family. Spend more time together, take more trips, play more games. There are multiple projects I've been wanting to do around the house. Having someone to do them with without feeling rushed because of busy schedules will be a welcome change.

So while I take a short break, I also realized it's time to work a bit more on my vocals. I always tell Maya that the only way to be good at something is with practice. I tend to stop singing between shows, but if I really want to start getting the big roles, I need to practice, practice, practice. That will suffice as the creative outlet that I need.

And let's hope we come together as a family during these next several months instead of driving each other completely nuts!!! :-)

5 years ago I became a mother...on paper

Five years ago, on December 10, 2004, I became a mother. At least on paper. At that time, China's adoption process was very streamlined. Referrals were matched in batches depending on the date that your paperwork was submitted. We knew that we were up next for a referral based on our paperwork date. Referrals for that batch were reported to have been sent to the adoption agencies. The agency would then call the happy parents to give them the news. Many of us China adoptive parents belong to adoption Yahoo Groups and would post the happy news for all to see. Here's my story from five years ago.

I woke up at 8am and snoozed my alarm. I couldn't fall back asleep because I really wanted to check the Yahoo Groups for news of referrals. No news or announcements, so I showered, got ready for work, got in around 10am and checked the groups again. Around 10:30, the first referral was posted. I thought "Okay, that's good. Let's see what else happens." A little while later, another referral was posted. I didn't want to get too excited, but I started to get nervous. Joel and I went to lunch, and I kept my cell phone by my side at the table the entire time, constantly looking at it to make sure it was functioning. My stomach was in knots! I could barely eat. I was in labor without the aching pains, just a stomach full of nerves.

After getting back to work, I get online and see many more referrals. My mom calls and I give her the update but remind her not to get too excited yet. Depending on the mail from China, we might not get our referral for a few more days. I paced my office, kept checking the online groups, paced some more, checked the groups some more. How could I concentrate on work?

About 4:20pm, I looked at the clock. I told my co-worker Natalie "Well, it's 4:20, should I give up for the day hoping for our referral?" And at that exact moment, my phone rang! Caller ID said "Hand In Hand" (my agency). I shrieked and Natalie runs into my office as I answer the phone. "Hello?" I said nervously. It's our agency rep, Vicki. I calmly grabbed the referral call sheet I had posted on my bulletin board, saved for this moment, and said, "Okay, what do you got?"

She gives me a name. Tong Min Xuan. I can't believe she's finally real! I have a daughter! She gives me the birthdate - March 6, 2004. This is when I lose it. According to Chinese legend, "an invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet." Because of a feeling I had months before, the fact that she was born in March was our red thread. I just knew it in my heart.

Vicki gives me the rest of the details; where she was from, health information (healthy!). She tells me that the agency director, who had seen the pictures, said she was beautiful. I said "I'm sure she says that about all of the girls" and she said "No, she doesn't." She then tells me that we can't see the photos until Monday (they had to be FedEx'ed from Arizona.) I thought I would go crazy not being able to see her face for three more days!

I called Joel, who was in the middle of a crowded grocery store, to tell him he was a daddy again. I called my mom to let her know she had a new granddaughter. I called other family and friends. I still had to work an event that night, but how could I? I was on cloud nine.

It would be six more weeks until we could hold our daughter. But even on paper, that day was one of the happiest of my life. No, I didn't go through nine months of pregnancy, but I did go through 18 months of paperwork and the waiting and the wondering about who this child would be, what kind of mother I would be, what going to China would be like. But all that mattered that day five years ago was that I was so ready to hold this child in my arms. I, at last, felt complete.

Understanding death

I've struggled with a new post for a week, as we've been dealing with the death of my brother-in-law. While it was expected, it was still rough nonetheless. I prepared Maya as much as I could leading up to it and we had some interesting conversations about death. She really does know how to process information this complex in her little 5-year-old mind. We took her to the viewing and the funeral. She was fine throughout all of it until we were leaving the funeral and my 4-year-old niece was given the crucifix off of her daddy's casket. This is what Maya chose as her way of breaking down. She said she wanted one just like her cousin had and burst into tears. She's old enough to know what's going on and I think she didn't know how to express her sadness. She cried through his gravesite service. It was heart-wrenching, but I'm glad in a way that she was able to get that out.

Now, we're moving on as a family and celebrated Thanksgiving together. My sister and the rest of our family put up their Christmas tree yesterday. Life does move on.

Too much of a good thing

I need to remind myself often that Maya is only five. She has always been a few years older in my mind because of her excellent reasoning and analytical skills. One minute she can be just a giggly five-year-old and the next, she can be flooring me with her ability to understand things that only adults should be thinking about.

That's why when we decided to have her be in this show, I figured, no problem! She'll be able to handle herself well and start down the road into trained actor. Uh, what was I thinking? Apparently, asking her to stand still, listen, and pay attention on stage is bringing out the, well, five-year-old in her! She's always been a well-behaved child, rarely throws temper tantrums. Mostly just gives teenage-like attitude. So this rehearsal process has been a bit of a challenge to be both actor and mom at the same time.

The other issue is that Maya is so darn fun and cute, that others will give her her way, or encourage her to keep being silly and funny. Uh, not so much fun for mom who's trying to get her to listen and behave. I've had this issue many times over the past few years. People gravitate towards her and want to give her anything. It can be a challenge to keep her grounded when others are wanting to just spoil her.

So, I promise to remember that she is truly only five years old and not expect adult-like behavior from her. I promise to practice patience and know that this is a new experience for her and try not to get upset when she is reduced to tears because she's tired of running the same scene over again. And I promise to think twice the next time we put her onstage to know if it's best for her or just best for us as parents.

Time to celebrate

This time of year is always a mix of holidays and celebrations, but even those beyond Thanksgiving and Christmas. November is National Adoption Month, and it always reminds me of the blessing I have sitting in the other room watching 'Little Bill.' December is also the month we received our daughter's referral. And January is when I became a mom. More on that later, so I figured I would take the time to think about the reasons we adopted.

When I married my husband, I knew that I might never become a mother. He had a vasectomy during his first marriage, and my fertility was in question anyway, having had an ectopic pregnancy and miscarriage during my first marriage. But I loved my husband so much that I was willing to make the sacrifice. But when you want a child, the longing doesn't really go away. While I loved his children, I wasn't their mom and didn't try to replace her.

We first started talking about reversing his vasectomy. But after a lot of research, the success rate seemed too low and the procedure too evasive. About this time, a friend of his was adopting a child from China. As a single parent, she asked my husband (just my fiance at the time!) to travel with her to China on her trip so she could have some help. It was about a year and a half after this trip that we started looking into adoption. It seems silly, but I didn't even consider adoption before that. Not because I was against it, just because I didn't think about it! Knowing what the process was like going through China's adoption program, we decided that we would adopt.

It was scary at first. The cost of the adoption process was overwhelming, but we knew we could take our time and start saving up as much as we could. We took the homestudy and paperwork process slowly to give us more time. When we started the process in 2003, it was about a year from DTC (dossier to China) to referral. However, they started speeding up and by the time we received a referral, we'd waited only six months (more on that next month!)

Adoption is truly a beautiful and wonderful way to add to your family. Although I wanted a child, I had no huge desire to go through pregnancy (I'm sort of a wimp). Adoption was the best answer for us. I know that some fear that they may not love an adopted child as much as a biological child. While I have no bio children, I do know that I can't possibly love my daughter more. She couldn't possibly be more my child than if I'd given birth to her (some people call her a mini-me because she is so much like me!)

Some also questioned why we would go through international adoption when so many children in the U.S. are available for adoption, especially through the foster program. I believe that if a child needs a family, it shouldn't matter what country they come from. We should love and care for them all. China's adoption process worked for us. I know that domestic and foster adoption has worked for others. It's a personal choice for a couple.

So, Happy National Adoption Month! We celebrate our child and our family this month and I encourage others to consider adoption as a way to add to your family.

Something's gotta give

To continue on my latest rant of not enough time, let's talk about housework. In a perfect world, we would make enough money to hire a housekeeper. I hate to clean. I can handle laundry, but hate mopping floors, scrubbing the bathtub and toilets, sweeping, etc. etc. At lunch today, some friends and I were joking that what I really needed was a wife. Now, I'm the first one to get all feminist on you and say how sexist of a statement that is. But...it's true to some extent. I am not the type of person who likes to clean, and mostly don't even like to cook. I'm just not domestic. My husband doesn't do either, so what we're left with is a messy house, and lots of convenience dinners.

Sometimes, as a working mom, you just have to give something up. You can't do it all. I used to think I could. I used to get so upset when no one in my family would help around the house. No one would pull their weight. I would spend every weekend trying to undo the psychotic mess that my family made that week. I was angry at them, angry at having to do it all myself. My husband informed me that no one was making me do it. No one else was complaining about living in a messy house. So I gave it up. I'll clean up a room here or there every few weeks. I'll clean toilets when they start to get gross. I'll sweep the living room when the amount of leaves inside the doorway start to match the amount outside. But for my sanity, and for those around me, I had to give up something. And it was cleaning.

Is it sad that the first thing I would pay money for if we won the lottery is a cleaning person???

Never Enough

As a working mom, there never seems to be enough time.

As a mother, your daughter wants time with you. Wants to run outside, play games, sit together and watch tv, wants hugs and loving, needs the channel changed,  needs help picking out clothes, cleaning up her room. It's never enough.

As an employee, your boss demands time of you. Wants you to work on multiple projects while continually piling more on top. Wants you to not only get your work done, but ensure that your staff gets their work done. Which often means helping your staff do their work on top of your own. It's never enough.

As my own person, I need time. Time to balance the checkbook, buy the birthday presents, do the grocery shopping, cook the meals, take a bath, maybe get to spend some time with my husband. It's never enough.

As a working mom and wife, there's never enough time or energy in a day. You feel like you're doing everything half-assed instead of doing just a few things really well. I've learned to give up some things and let them go, but I hate the feeling that I am never really accomplishing anything. It's just this circuitous battle of the clock. A bunch of projects half done or put aside to focus on the fire of the day. There's just never enough of me at the end of the day.

The Lucky Ones

My daughter and I can have some interesting conversations when it comes to family and her adoption. Yesterday, I was driving us to rehearsal and for some reason, we got on the topic of parents. She informed me that her friend's two moms got married. She's known this school friend for several years and I explained long ago how her friend had two moms. When she told me they got married, I said how happy I was for them. She then told me how lucky she was that she had a mom and a dad. While I like that my daughter feels lucky, I didn't want her to think that only kids with a mom and a dad were lucky. I went on to explain again how families are formed in many different ways. Mom/Dad, Mom/Mom, Dad/Dad, just a mom or dad only, even grandparents raising some children. She has friends adopted from China that only have a mom. I tried to explain that anyone who had someone who loved them was lucky. While some people don't agree with it, I do believe that non-traditional families are just as lucky to have each other and just as normal as a 'traditional' family, if you can even use those words anymore. Look at my family. Both hubby and I have been married and divorced before being together. I have three children - none of which I gave birth to. So are we a traditional family?

The other conversation was a bit bothersome and one I wish I could have had a better response to. We were having lunch in a Chinese restaurant together and she brought up that she was born in China. She asked where I was born and I said the United States. Under her breath, she said 'lucky.' Again, I tried to explain that no one is luckier than anyone else because of where they are born. Yes, some countries do have a harder time of it, but I didn't want her to feel inferior for being born in China as opposed to the U.S. I really didn't have anything else to say about this, so we changed the subject.

I want my daughter to feel special and important and loved. But I don't want her to feel superior or inferior to others based on some of those things. Being 'lucky' can take on many different meanings. If being 'lucky' by having a mom and dad makes her feel secure and comfortable, then fine. But by thinking others are 'lucky' because of where they were born - well, I need help with that one. I do think it's time that we really start talking more about her heritage. She's five now and I want her to be proud of the country she was born to. It's time I do my own research to start helping my daughter feel proud of the skin she's in.

Made for the stage

Well, we did it. My husband and I convinced our daughter to appear on stage with us in a show! I never really wanted to push her into theatre - I wanted it to be a decision she made on her own. Although if anyone is going to be on the stage, it's her. She is the most animated and witty and talented little thing. Everyone says she's made for the stage. Again, nurture vs. nature? I'd say she was born with 80% and we've just helped along with the additional 20!

My husband is directing a Christmas revue at his theatre. Because I do enjoy the holidays, and I wanted to see my husband during those weeks leading up to Christmas, I auditioned. His daughter auditioned as well and will be in the show. Hubby needed a young male to read some of the war letters that troops sent home around the holidays, so he enlisted his son, who is begrudgingly joining in (more like forced, but I had nothing to do with that). So, it was only inevitable that our 5-year-old would join as well. I didn't want to push her into anything she didn't want to do. I don't want to be one of those parents who pushes activities on a child. But after the first rehearsal, and knowing she could sing Rudolph and Santa Claus is coming to town, she too reluctantly agreed.

Growing up, I didn't have the type of exposure to different activities that I had really wanted. The only reason I got into theatre was because of my two older sisters. Then it was up to me to pursue my own talents and activities. I want to be the type of parent that allows their child to try out many different things and choose what they want to do. Maya is five, and so far, she's taken ballet, swimming lessons at school, has gone to numerous plays and concerts, sporting events, and more. While guiding her towards what I think she will like, the decision on who and what she wants to be solely lies with her. I can't help it if I help nudge her a bit along the way!

Something Special

My daughter said two wonderful things to me today. This morning as we were preparing to leave the house. "Mommy, you always look beautiful, but today you look 'extra' beautiful." And then on the way to school, she said "Mommy, you know all the kisses that you and daddy give me? Do you know where I keep them? In my heart."

Out of the blue, my child can just floor me with her sweetness and sensitivity. It's moments like these that make me so proud, and help me realize that while not a perfect parent, I am raising her right. It also brings to mind the "nurture vs. nature" theory. We adopted her when she was 10 months old. She already had a personality (and wow, what a personality!). Stubborness, the desire to have things her way, sassy...but also sweet and funny and, after a short rough period, the ability to love with all her heart. Now, as a 5-year-old, she is still all of those things. How much is just 'who she is' versus how much we've raised her to be?

Either way, she is one amazing kid. She can drive me completely batty one minute, and have me in smiles and happy tears the next. My husband said to me before we adopted, "Parenthood is the best thing to happen to you, and the worst thing to happen to you." It wasn't until I was a parent that I understood. It's not that being a parent is awful, it just adds so many new layers to your life. Less time for yourself and others, more fears and worries about this human that you're now responsible for. Uncertainties and insecurities. But then there's the love, the cuddles, the kisses, the triumphs. And I wouldn't change it for the world.

For the love of love

My daughter is in love with Sam. She says they're going to get married. Of course, last week she was in love with Timmy and they were going to get married. A few weeks before that, it was Cael who would be her true love. I will remind you that my daughter is FIVE years old. When I start to comment that she's too  young to think about boys and being in love and getting married, I have to remind myself that I was the same way at her age. Boy crazy.

His name was Chad. We were in kindergarten together. Blond hair, blue eyes, shy smile. I was five years old and in love. That's when it all started  for me, too. Five years old. Throughout my grade school years there was Chris, Jason, Greg, Jack, etc. Each year, a new crush would emerge.

I don't want to discourage my daughter from thinking about boys at such a young age. But I do want to protect her from the hurt that goes along with crushes that turn into unrequited love. I'm hoping that she'll have a lot better luck than I did. And, by the way, I've told her she's got at LEAST 20 years to think about marriage!

Just do it!

I'm used to my busy life. I actually enjoy a busy life. I have finally learned the art of relaxation, but still, I need things to occupy my time or I go nuts.

There are some people in my life who aren't so accepting of a busy lifestyle, or even know what 'busy' really is. I have always been the person that does more than her share. Worked two or three jobs at a time, taken on multiple roles and responsibilities in those jobs, accepted the bill-paying and having almost complete oversight of the home. Feel like a single parent often with a husband who himself works three jobs and can be gone from 9am to 11pm many days. And still finding time to participate in hobbies and social events.

I don't take kindly to those who don't do their work, don't do their share. Don't take the responsibility that they're expected to do. Is it laziness? Lack of motivation? An actual inabillity to think more than one thought at a time? It's frustrating, to say the least. And I'm not talking about those who just are more laid back than I. I realize I'm high-strung and have sometimes a very strong sense of duty and responsibility, and yes, a bent towards being a control freak. I realize not everyone is like me and approaches things differently. But if you aren't up for the task, than don't take it on. Don't drag other people down with you because you can't handle it.

I have a motto - If you want something done, do it yourself. I wish I didn't have to feel that way. But when you're disappointed so many times by others who won't do their part, what do you expect?

Maybe I should just hire a sitter?

As someone who works in, performs in, and enjoys attending the arts, it can be a challenge to do all the things I want to (and need to) without feeling the guilt of having my child spend evenings with friends or family while I'm out gallavanting around town. This past Saturday, I had to work one of our events, and I invited hubby along. Went out with the band after for drinks. Had to find a sitter. This Friday night, we're going to a theatrical production starring, well, a lot of my friends. Have to find a sitter. Saturday night, we have another concert and post-concert reception to attend. Another sitter. Next Thursday and Friday, I'll be at a conference learning how to attract young people to arts events, while hubby has rehearsal for one of his shows. Yep, sitter. The week after that, hubby and I are going to Chicago for two days to see, you guessed it, theatre. Overnight sitter.

My child is a very social being. It's not that she minds staying a few hours with friends or Grandma or cousins. She actually enjoys it and looks forward to it. So why do I still feel guilty? Is it a prerequisite that in order to become a mother, you must meet a certain threshold for feelings of guilt? Or is it society that tries to convince us that as mothers, we must give up our own interests in order to spend as much time with our children as possible? I love spending time with my daughter. I also love spending time with my husband. AND I love spending time without either. Does that make me a bad person, a bad mother, a bad wife?

As my daughter gets older, it's easier for us to bring her along to rehearsals and shows when appropriate. She's spent so much time with her father at rehearsals that by the time the show opens, she could be an understudy! But seriously, I wouldn't do this if I didn't think exposure to the arts was something important and life-changing. Being in the arts really did shape who I am today. Even if she decides to pursue something else outside of the arts, I want her to understand and respect the process and the discipline that people need in order to be really successful at something. And if she does one day decide to be a performer, well, I certainly won't mind!

In the beginning...

 The beginning of what I consider my current life all started back in June 1997. I was auditioning for a show at a local theatre. I was 24 years old. This man walks up and sits down next to me and strikes up a conversation, not knowing at the time that this man experienced, what he calls, love at first sight. Two and a half years later, after a long and close friendship, we become a couple. We met in the theatre, fell in love in the theatre, even shared our first kiss in the theatre. In 2001, this man proposes to me...onstage after our curtain call, in front of the audience! In 2002, we get married...you guessed it...onstage, in a theatre.

My husband is an actor/director/designer. He makes his full-time living in the theatre while I just consider it a hobby. He actually holds three theatre jobs that keep him quite busy, especially evenings and weekends. When we first started discussing adopting a child, I knew that my time on stage would be severely limited. With his schedule, I knew the brunt of the child-rearing would fall to me, and I was happy and ready to do it. But I knew that I could never really give up performing. Once you become a performer, it becomes a part of you, a sometimes weird, sick need to get up in front of others and bare your heart and soul, and become vulnerable to the hundreds of people watching.

I've never quite understood my motivation to become a performer. Perhaps it was to keep up with my talented older sisters. Perhaps it was to force myself out of the shell I'd put around myself growing up. Perhaps it was to prove to those naysayers in my childhood that I was actually worth something, could be something. Whatever the reason, I'm glad I did.

Why am I the Ultimate Diva Mom?

The definition of diva: a usually glamorous and successful female performer or personality. When I'm not working my day job as Director of Marketing for a non-profit performing arts organization, I like to perform in community theatre productions, and the occassional paid gig. For over 20 years, I've been performing in plays and musicals and trying as hard as I can to improve my skills - acting, singing, and dancing - the ultimate triple threat! Now, I didn't say I WAS a triple threat, just trying to make it there before I'm too old for it all. My latest goal as a singer is to be a belter. If you're not in the theatre lingo know, that just means to be able to sing out with power and gusto. So, if I call myself a Diva, I can continue under the illusion that one day, I'll be one...right?

Well, perhaps bigger than my job and my performing hobby is the fact that I'm a mother. I have a 20-year-old stepdaughter, a 17-year-old stepson, and a 5-year-old daughter. As other mothers know, being a mom is also a full-time job. You might ask how I can handle all of it without going crazy. Well, I'll let you know as soon as I figure it out.

My plan for this blog is to talk about the trials and tribulations, joy and happiness that being a full-time working diva mom can be. I love my family. More than anything. But if you're a parent, you know that it can be not only the most rewarding experience in your life, but also the most challenging. I may bitch and complain about those trials, I may whine and fuss over giving up so much for the benefit of my family. But in the end, they're the ones who keep me sane, even while driving me insane. They keep me grounded even when I'm flying off the handle. They keep me loved, even when I do things unlovable.