Understanding death

I've struggled with a new post for a week, as we've been dealing with the death of my brother-in-law. While it was expected, it was still rough nonetheless. I prepared Maya as much as I could leading up to it and we had some interesting conversations about death. She really does know how to process information this complex in her little 5-year-old mind. We took her to the viewing and the funeral. She was fine throughout all of it until we were leaving the funeral and my 4-year-old niece was given the crucifix off of her daddy's casket. This is what Maya chose as her way of breaking down. She said she wanted one just like her cousin had and burst into tears. She's old enough to know what's going on and I think she didn't know how to express her sadness. She cried through his gravesite service. It was heart-wrenching, but I'm glad in a way that she was able to get that out.

Now, we're moving on as a family and celebrated Thanksgiving together. My sister and the rest of our family put up their Christmas tree yesterday. Life does move on.

Too much of a good thing

I need to remind myself often that Maya is only five. She has always been a few years older in my mind because of her excellent reasoning and analytical skills. One minute she can be just a giggly five-year-old and the next, she can be flooring me with her ability to understand things that only adults should be thinking about.

That's why when we decided to have her be in this show, I figured, no problem! She'll be able to handle herself well and start down the road into trained actor. Uh, what was I thinking? Apparently, asking her to stand still, listen, and pay attention on stage is bringing out the, well, five-year-old in her! She's always been a well-behaved child, rarely throws temper tantrums. Mostly just gives teenage-like attitude. So this rehearsal process has been a bit of a challenge to be both actor and mom at the same time.

The other issue is that Maya is so darn fun and cute, that others will give her her way, or encourage her to keep being silly and funny. Uh, not so much fun for mom who's trying to get her to listen and behave. I've had this issue many times over the past few years. People gravitate towards her and want to give her anything. It can be a challenge to keep her grounded when others are wanting to just spoil her.

So, I promise to remember that she is truly only five years old and not expect adult-like behavior from her. I promise to practice patience and know that this is a new experience for her and try not to get upset when she is reduced to tears because she's tired of running the same scene over again. And I promise to think twice the next time we put her onstage to know if it's best for her or just best for us as parents.

Time to celebrate

This time of year is always a mix of holidays and celebrations, but even those beyond Thanksgiving and Christmas. November is National Adoption Month, and it always reminds me of the blessing I have sitting in the other room watching 'Little Bill.' December is also the month we received our daughter's referral. And January is when I became a mom. More on that later, so I figured I would take the time to think about the reasons we adopted.

When I married my husband, I knew that I might never become a mother. He had a vasectomy during his first marriage, and my fertility was in question anyway, having had an ectopic pregnancy and miscarriage during my first marriage. But I loved my husband so much that I was willing to make the sacrifice. But when you want a child, the longing doesn't really go away. While I loved his children, I wasn't their mom and didn't try to replace her.

We first started talking about reversing his vasectomy. But after a lot of research, the success rate seemed too low and the procedure too evasive. About this time, a friend of his was adopting a child from China. As a single parent, she asked my husband (just my fiance at the time!) to travel with her to China on her trip so she could have some help. It was about a year and a half after this trip that we started looking into adoption. It seems silly, but I didn't even consider adoption before that. Not because I was against it, just because I didn't think about it! Knowing what the process was like going through China's adoption program, we decided that we would adopt.

It was scary at first. The cost of the adoption process was overwhelming, but we knew we could take our time and start saving up as much as we could. We took the homestudy and paperwork process slowly to give us more time. When we started the process in 2003, it was about a year from DTC (dossier to China) to referral. However, they started speeding up and by the time we received a referral, we'd waited only six months (more on that next month!)

Adoption is truly a beautiful and wonderful way to add to your family. Although I wanted a child, I had no huge desire to go through pregnancy (I'm sort of a wimp). Adoption was the best answer for us. I know that some fear that they may not love an adopted child as much as a biological child. While I have no bio children, I do know that I can't possibly love my daughter more. She couldn't possibly be more my child than if I'd given birth to her (some people call her a mini-me because she is so much like me!)

Some also questioned why we would go through international adoption when so many children in the U.S. are available for adoption, especially through the foster program. I believe that if a child needs a family, it shouldn't matter what country they come from. We should love and care for them all. China's adoption process worked for us. I know that domestic and foster adoption has worked for others. It's a personal choice for a couple.

So, Happy National Adoption Month! We celebrate our child and our family this month and I encourage others to consider adoption as a way to add to your family.

Something's gotta give

To continue on my latest rant of not enough time, let's talk about housework. In a perfect world, we would make enough money to hire a housekeeper. I hate to clean. I can handle laundry, but hate mopping floors, scrubbing the bathtub and toilets, sweeping, etc. etc. At lunch today, some friends and I were joking that what I really needed was a wife. Now, I'm the first one to get all feminist on you and say how sexist of a statement that is. But...it's true to some extent. I am not the type of person who likes to clean, and mostly don't even like to cook. I'm just not domestic. My husband doesn't do either, so what we're left with is a messy house, and lots of convenience dinners.

Sometimes, as a working mom, you just have to give something up. You can't do it all. I used to think I could. I used to get so upset when no one in my family would help around the house. No one would pull their weight. I would spend every weekend trying to undo the psychotic mess that my family made that week. I was angry at them, angry at having to do it all myself. My husband informed me that no one was making me do it. No one else was complaining about living in a messy house. So I gave it up. I'll clean up a room here or there every few weeks. I'll clean toilets when they start to get gross. I'll sweep the living room when the amount of leaves inside the doorway start to match the amount outside. But for my sanity, and for those around me, I had to give up something. And it was cleaning.

Is it sad that the first thing I would pay money for if we won the lottery is a cleaning person???