5 years ago I became a mother...on paper

Five years ago, on December 10, 2004, I became a mother. At least on paper. At that time, China's adoption process was very streamlined. Referrals were matched in batches depending on the date that your paperwork was submitted. We knew that we were up next for a referral based on our paperwork date. Referrals for that batch were reported to have been sent to the adoption agencies. The agency would then call the happy parents to give them the news. Many of us China adoptive parents belong to adoption Yahoo Groups and would post the happy news for all to see. Here's my story from five years ago.

I woke up at 8am and snoozed my alarm. I couldn't fall back asleep because I really wanted to check the Yahoo Groups for news of referrals. No news or announcements, so I showered, got ready for work, got in around 10am and checked the groups again. Around 10:30, the first referral was posted. I thought "Okay, that's good. Let's see what else happens." A little while later, another referral was posted. I didn't want to get too excited, but I started to get nervous. Joel and I went to lunch, and I kept my cell phone by my side at the table the entire time, constantly looking at it to make sure it was functioning. My stomach was in knots! I could barely eat. I was in labor without the aching pains, just a stomach full of nerves.

After getting back to work, I get online and see many more referrals. My mom calls and I give her the update but remind her not to get too excited yet. Depending on the mail from China, we might not get our referral for a few more days. I paced my office, kept checking the online groups, paced some more, checked the groups some more. How could I concentrate on work?

About 4:20pm, I looked at the clock. I told my co-worker Natalie "Well, it's 4:20, should I give up for the day hoping for our referral?" And at that exact moment, my phone rang! Caller ID said "Hand In Hand" (my agency). I shrieked and Natalie runs into my office as I answer the phone. "Hello?" I said nervously. It's our agency rep, Vicki. I calmly grabbed the referral call sheet I had posted on my bulletin board, saved for this moment, and said, "Okay, what do you got?"

She gives me a name. Tong Min Xuan. I can't believe she's finally real! I have a daughter! She gives me the birthdate - March 6, 2004. This is when I lose it. According to Chinese legend, "an invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet." Because of a feeling I had months before, the fact that she was born in March was our red thread. I just knew it in my heart.

Vicki gives me the rest of the details; where she was from, health information (healthy!). She tells me that the agency director, who had seen the pictures, said she was beautiful. I said "I'm sure she says that about all of the girls" and she said "No, she doesn't." She then tells me that we can't see the photos until Monday (they had to be FedEx'ed from Arizona.) I thought I would go crazy not being able to see her face for three more days!

I called Joel, who was in the middle of a crowded grocery store, to tell him he was a daddy again. I called my mom to let her know she had a new granddaughter. I called other family and friends. I still had to work an event that night, but how could I? I was on cloud nine.

It would be six more weeks until we could hold our daughter. But even on paper, that day was one of the happiest of my life. No, I didn't go through nine months of pregnancy, but I did go through 18 months of paperwork and the waiting and the wondering about who this child would be, what kind of mother I would be, what going to China would be like. But all that mattered that day five years ago was that I was so ready to hold this child in my arms. I, at last, felt complete.